Famous people say the darndest things!
Songs Music Lyrics
Lists of US Patents
Article Search
Most Recent Articles

Protecting America with Specialty Gases
by Bob Davis
in N/A
HOW HOME-BASED BUSINESS ENTREPRENEURS THINK
by Dinar P. Wiria-Atmadja
in N/A
Best Home Based Businesses: Four Soul Searching Steps: Step One
by Chrystal Chantel
in N/A
Skin Care Tips: Online Product Shopping Check List
by Joel Walsh
in N/A
Working Savings into Your Budget
by John Mussi
in N/A
What Equity Is and How to Use It
by John Mussi
in N/A
How To Make A Serious Income Online Without A Website!
by Joe Clare
in N/A
The Secret of Getting Free
by Shifra Hendrie
in N/A
How to Get a Secured Loan UK
by John Mussi
in N/A
Nevada Real Estate – A Very Good Gamble!
by Raynor James
in N/A
Troubled Teens
by Margaret Tye
in N/A
Car Donations - Know the Facts
by Mike Hemphill
in N/A
Do You Have What it Takes to Run a Business?
by Nancy Wurtze
in World News
An Ideal home business Home Page
by Purva Mewar
in N/A
The Huge Deposit Of Diamond Within You
by Adebola Oni
in N/A
Credit Counseling Services Checklist
by Joel Walsh
in N/A
Tips for Finding a Low Rate Loan Online
by John Mussi
in N/A
Time Management: How to Make Your Meetings More Productive
by Burt Carlson
in N/A
How to Find Lower Interest Rates Using the Internet
by John Mussi
in N/A
6 Easy Ways to Increase your Adsense Revenue
by Scott Patterson
in N/A
Taming The Book Proposal
by Jill Nagle
in N/A
WestAccom.net - Western Australia - Your Holiday Destination For...
by steve wall
in N/A
You Can't Water a Garden With an Empty Bucket
by Catherine Bruns
in N/A
4 Simple Fresh Approaches To Triple Profits
by S. Kumar
in World News
An Overview of a Personal Loan UK
by John Mussi
in N/A
Robert Butwin's 'Street Smart Network Marketing'
by Dinar P. Wiria-Atmadja
in N/A
Exploring All of Your Loan Options
by John Mussi
in N/A
Repair Credit by Observation
by Jonathan Cheong
in N/A
Credit Repair Resources
by Jonathan Cheong
in N/A
Shop: Is Shopping Online Secure?
by Linda Quinones
in N/A
The Facts You Should Know About Internet Marketing.
by Raamakant S.
in N/A
Finding the Right Bad Credit Loan UK
by John Mussi
in N/A
Your Checking Account
by Terry Rigg
in World News
Accepting A Life of Simplicity
by Meilena Hauslendale
in N/A
Happiness Without Prescription
by Meilena Hauslendale
in N/A
Vacationing in Orlando with kids. Try an Orlando Villa.
by Ian Walsh
in N/A
How You can Learn from Successful People when You have Limited T...
by W Summaries
in N/A
Building Credit Ideas
by Jonathan Cheong
in N/A
Your Home Business: Turning Pennies into Dollars
by Stone Evans
in World News
Building Credit and Stopping Creditors
by Jonathan Cheong
in N/A
Web Business Overview – Have a Plan
by Halstatt Pires
in N/A
How to Choose the Right Bank Account for Your Needs
by John Mussi
in N/A
How To PIck A Fitness Trainer
by Sheldon Gerard Ginsberg
in N/A
A Guide to Getting a Home Improvement Loan
by John Mussi
in N/A
Making Your Purpose Your Business Step #4 - Organizing & Develop...
by Meilena Hauslendale
in N/A
A Guide to Banking Services
by John Mussi
in N/A
Blog Your Way to Success - What a "Blog" is?
by Pavel Lenshin
in World News
Online Education - Parents Who's Children Come 1st
by Kacy Carr
in N/A
A Spirit Among Us -- A Review And Summary Of This Inspirational,...
by Diana Ennen
in N/A
Credit Damage: Getting Compensated for Your Loss
by Georg Finder
in World News
SEO for CEOs – Search Engine Optimization Unmasked for CEOs
by Glenn Murray
in World News
Did You “Blow it” for Valentine’s Day?
by Heidi Richards
in N/A
Oregon Real Estate – Going Hip and Green
by Raynor James
in N/A
How To Be Your Doctor’s Favorite Patient
by Debbie L Boynton
in N/A
A Look at the Origins of Online Lending
by John Mussi
in N/A
The main principles about working at home through internet busin...
by heshuo
in N/A
Building Credit Preventing Repair
by Jonathan Cheong
in N/A
Profiting from the Real Estate Bubble: Foreclosures
by John Appleseed
in N/A
Fish Creek House B&B - A Childhood Dream Come True
by Cid Bus
in N/A
Credit Repair Skipping to Build
by Jonathan Cheong
in N/A
The Magical Promise of Easy Money from an Internet Business
by Arthur
in N/A
Credit Report – Watch Out for Parking Tickets
by Charles Essmeier
in N/A
A day in Whistler
by Henry Schlee
in N/A
Learning to Share – Conflict Resolution for Parents and Childcar...
by Melissa Newby
in N/A
Baby Shower Gift Ideas
by Criss White
in N/A
Credit Repair for Identity Theft Victims
by Jonathan Cheong
in N/A
How to Find Low Interest Online Loans
by John Mussi
in N/A
Everything You Need To Know About Your Baby’s Teething Process
by keziah. engineer
in N/A
Become a Shark – Pool Tips for a Fish out of Water!
by Nathaniel Jacobson
in N/A
Enjoy your online business, don’t think it’s only a job
by heshuo
in N/A
reader - Why Traffic Touts and List Pushers Are Bad For Your Bus...
by Charles Kangethe
in World News
Email Marketing Lesson: How To Cure Email Marketing Irregularity...
by Joan Pasay
in N/A
Determining Whether You Need a Loan
by John Mussi
in N/A
WHEN YOUR FEARS AND DEPRESSION HAVE THE BEST OF YOU
by STAN POPOVICH
in N/A
Public Golf Courses – Making The Right Choice
by Donald Saunders
in N/A
The 11 Step Plan for Organizing Your Closet
by Brook Noel
in N/A
Are Your Marketing Pieces Up To Date
by Mike Shannon
in N/A
Vital Golf Swing Movement Brings Success - Auto Recovery
by David Ferrers
in N/A
Michigan Real Estate – A Little of Everything
by Raynor James
in N/A
Life insurance - make sure your family is cared for
by Jakob Jelling
in World News
Part 4 of 5 - How "Pipe Dreams" Can Become Realities!
by Jon Kogan
in World News
Make Documenting Your Software Easier Than Ever Before
by Daniel Punch
in N/A
Five Tips to Slash Your Home Finance Costs
by Rhiannon Williamson
in N/A
Establishing Credit, the Great Task
by Jonathan Cheong
in N/A
Earning a College Degree Online
by Mark Woodcock
in N/A
The Top Ten eBay Buyer Personalities!
by Joe Clare
in N/A
A Look at Common Types of Loans
by John Mussi
in N/A
Disaster recovery and performance testing – 5 points to remember
by A Streeb
in N/A
Relationships: Too Easy To Leave
by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
in World News
Personal Finance: What People Buy On Payday
by Dinar P. Wiria-Atmadja
in N/A
Seven Questions About Contact Lenses Answered
by Alex Fir
in N/A
Build Credit in your Name
by Jonathan Cheong
in N/A
Have you given up on yourself?
by graham and julie
in World News
Email Marketing Error 101: I Got An Email From My Hero, And Was ...
by Joan Pasay
in N/A
Commercial Mortgage Financing
by Adam Smith
in N/A
The Name Game: Tips for Picking the Best Baby Name
by Nancy Wurtze
in World News
Dry Skin Care Quiz
by Joel Walsh
in N/A
How to Find a Fast Online Loan
by John Mussi
in N/A
Email Marketing Lesson: One of the Seven Deadly Sins That Will S...
by Joan Pasay
in N/A
Ensure your hotel has a swimming pool
by Liam Austin
in N/A
Five Ways to Increase Your Affiliate Sales
by John Purdy
in N/A
Free Real Estate Listings on Real Estate Gates
by Cameron Lindblom
in N/A
Raising Happy Diabetic Kids Part III Self-Control
by Russell Turner
in N/A
Hair loss causes – baldness triggers and treatments
by Michael Rad
in N/A
Validating vs. Indulging Children’s Feelings
by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
in World News
Pecked to Death By Ducks
by Maureen Killoran
in World News
Business Success Tips
by BB Lee
in World News
Are 'Blinders' Preventing You from Finding Real Opportunity?
by Online Business Basics
in World News
Get listed at DMOZ
by Jakob Jelling
in World News
Good Stock Market Tip; Good Return!
by Charles M. O/Melia
in N/A
Grow your Internet Business with Pay Per Click Search Engine
by Arthur
in N/A
Has Your Business Had a Recent Check-up?
by Mike Shannon
in N/A
Beware of Online Payday Loan Sites
by Pete Glocker
in N/A
Home Mortgage Loans For People With Bad Credit
by Carrie Reeder
in N/A
How a Hacker Developed a Winning Golf Swing - Auto Recovery
by David Ferrers
in N/A
Best Home Based Businesses: Four Soul Searching Steps: Step Thre...
by Chrystal Chantel
in N/A
Online Consumers – What Are They Complaining About?
by Richard A. Chapo
in N/A
Oklahoma Real Estate – Cowboys and Indians
by Raynor James
in N/A
Email Marketing Manners 101: Clearing Your Inbox By Forwarding E...
by Joan Pasay
in N/A
Why is a Logo so Important to Your Business?
by Anthony Jewell
in N/A
Tips for Finding Low Cost Online Loans
by John Mussi
in N/A
Idaho Real Estate – A Better Quality of Life
by Raynor James
in N/A
Why Work from Home?
by Linda McGrory
in World News
Your 2006 Growth Strategy
by Erica Olsen
in N/A
Credit Cards And Loans - So Many Options - So Little Time
by Jeff Pritchard
in N/A
Laxatives You Find In The Drugstore
by Rudy Silva
in N/A
Inside tips on creating a successful landing page.
by Joe Balestrino
in N/A
How to transfer a retirement account
by Jakob Jelling
in World News
Five Reasons to Incorporate a Company Offshore
by Rhiannon Williamson
in N/A
How to Keep Your Body Fit
by Alex Fir
in N/A
Email Scam Warnings!
by BB Lee
in World News
How to Read an Equifax Credit Report
by Delia Galley
in N/A
Business Reporting: Chart and Graph
by Adam Smith
in N/A
Best Way To Clean Carpet?
by Steve Gillman
in N/A
Buy Traffic – Successfully Buy from Traffic Brokers.
by Charles Nevery
in N/A
Niche Marketing : The Power Of Articles
by Andre Anthony
in N/A
Letting go of anger and awaken to life's grand adventures
by Kerry-Ann Cox
in World News
Motivation... The Key to Your Child's Success
by Granmamma
in N/A
Secrets of Writing a Business Website Homepage
by Joel Walsh
in N/A
Home Business Tips, Tools and Opportunities......
by Henk Jansen
in World News
People Skills Drive Leadership Success
by Michael Beck
in N/A
Montana Real Estate – Big Sky Country
by Raynor James
in N/A
Top Ten Ways to Keep Your Kids from Fighting
by Mark Brandenburg
in World News
'How to choose an affiliate program that will make you money'
by Matt Eliason
in N/A
New ways of attracting more Website Traffic
by Hans Hasselfors
in N/A
How to find hotels with a cocktail bar
by Liam Austin
in N/A
How to implement e-business solutions successfully
by Nowshade Kabir
in World News
Keep Fit For Life at Any Age
by Danielle Sims
in World News
Keeping Your Cool When The Customer Gets Hot
by Lydia Ramsey
in N/A
Faxless Payday & Cash Advance Loans - Fast Cash, No Faxing Loans...
by Carrie Reeder
in N/A
Advantages of an Online Site Builder
by Halstatt Pires
in N/A
DNA Paternity- To Test at Home or Not
by Mark Jackson
in N/A
Credit Repair, How To
by Mike Herman
in N/A
I want to work at home and make money online. What is there to l...
by Purva Mewar
in N/A
Power Breathing
by Alan Tutt
in N/A
Which Golf Tips should You Listen to?
by David Ferrers
in N/A
Discover How To Burn Fat for Fast Weight Loss - Part 1
by Marie N.Borges
in N/A
Buy a home with bad credit
by Delia Galley
in N/A
Business Card Pricing--How Much is Too Much?
by Jonathan Bowalsky
in N/A
How To Find a Real Estate Agent
by Alex Fir
in N/A
Learn How To Treat Hemorrhoids
by Alex Fire
in N/A
Porters of Kilimanjaro; Marco’s Song
by Ian Williamson
in N/A
Dieters : There are No second helpings in Life
by Janice Elizabeth Small
in N/A
Power and Politics
by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
in World News
Have You Created Your Yearly Theme Yet?
by Maria Marsala
in World News
Online Forex Trading: How To Get Rich And Happy From Online Fore...
by Ikey Benney
in N/A
Welcoming our Wounded Selves
by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
in World News
How to Write Your Own Baby Shower Verses
by Criss White
in N/A
Create a Business You Love
by Damien Senn
in N/A
Coral Sea and its diving spots
by Jakob Jelling
in World News
Build and Maintain Websites For Profit
by J. Stephen Pope
in World News
You're Effective, We're Effective
by Mike Beitler
in N/A
7 Steps To Hire The Best
by Michael Mercer, Ph.D.
in N/A
A Clothes Encounter In The Business World
by Lydia Ramsey
in N/A
Making All City in Newark NJ
by Aron Wallad
in N/A

Web	LinkGrinder.com

Top Breaking News
     Greek, Cypriot Leaders Resume Unification Talks in Nicosia by Nathan Morley
     Indonesia Tobacco Sales Grow, Raising Health Fears
     South Korea Allows Top Defector to Travel Overseas by VOA News

Hitting The Fan

In the past people have occasionally accused me of talking shit.

By Chris P Bohn Category: 0

Submit your Articles Here!

In the past people have occasionally accused me of talking shit. But nobody can say I'm not serious about my subject. In fact you could say I have a Masters degree in coprology! In recent months I have been busy writing a paper (toilet paper, obviously) entitled "What Really Happens When the Shit Hits the Fan ?". Clearly one needs to define one's terms and my approach was as scientific as it could be.

Firstly I decide to confine my researches to three types of fan:

i) Electric fans
ii) Cricket and/or football fans (depending on which one is in season at the time) and
iii) Hand held fans i.e. Of the kind which is fluttered by demure young ladies in period dramas

Secondly there was a need to be able to grade various kinds of shit according to size, weight, malleability and viscosity. This required the use of expensive scientific instruments and so I equipped myself with -

electronic scales,
a pestle and mortar,
an engineer's measure,
a sieve,
packet of rubber gloves
shower cap and safety glasses (call me a fashion victim if you like. It's my choice.)

I set up a standard desktop fan (this one had a safety grille which, although removable, I chose to leave on for the purposes of the experiment). I then ate six cans of a discount brand of baked beans and sat down to watch some old Boris Karloff movies. The horror films had the desired effect and within ten minutes I was shitting myself with fear (OK so I'm a scaredy cat too, so what?). Shortly thereafter I was busy gathering what we shall term "material" in readiness for experiment numero uno.

The fan was switched onto its highest setting (moderate breeze or number one on the Beaufort scale for any budding meteorologists reading this). I rolled the first turd* and verified its weight as 200 grammes or about half a pound if you are still using NASA units of measurement. I then fired the missile from a distance of ten feet using a modified crossbow (patent pending) designed by yours truly (talented or what?). The "chocolate cannonball" hit the fan absolutely dead centre. Approximately twenty percent of its mass clung to the outside of the safety grille. Eighty percent reached the blades.

And a staggering one hundred percent was flung off into the office where the tests were being conducted. I apologised to the executives in the immediate vicinity and retired for a shower.

Following the first experiment, office based tests had to be put on hold for a temporary period. There were three main problems. Firstly it was proving very difficult to get funding for my experimental endeavours. Usually when you request financial support for work of the kind which I do, people think you are talking out of your arse. I suppose they are right in a way . . . Secondly there were some technical refinements to attend to; certain brands of beans result in missiles of far too watery a consistency. And thirdly there was an ongoing legal problem. Something to do with an office manager's dry cleaning bill and my reply that he had signed a waiver and had been given plenty of prior warning of all possible consequences. It annoys me. It really does. They all want free publicity in the local press but as soon as anything goes wrong they don't want to know you.

That's science for you, I guess.

My next experiment involved one of the popular nineteenth century style ladies fans. Always striving after authenticity (or authentishitty?) in all things, I cautiously approached the local amateur dramatics society which was happy to supply a victim. Sorry, that should be "volunteer". For health and hygiene reasons the volunteer wore a full face motorcycle helmet and bikers leathers. The fan she held was twenty centimetres in height and described an arc of sixty degrees when fully opened. It was held at an angle of ninety degrees to the ground and with the volunteer peeping demurely over the top just to make things more realistic.

For this experiment I had conscientiously prepared five "missiles" in the comfort of my own home the previous evening. The first one was launched from twenty feet away. The results were better than I could ever have anticipated. The fan went flying , the motorcycle helmet's visor crack'd from side to side and the volunteer was left sprawled in a heap on the stage.

After beating a hasty retreat I concluded that the missiles had probably been baked for too long (one can never be too sure when using electric ovens) thus resulting in devastating ballistic qualities. Although my theatre season ticket has now been revoked I am hoping for a reply from NATO with a view to providing member countries with a regular supply of "missiles" in the event of future global conflicts.

I finally turned my attention to conducting tests with sports fans. Football fans might prove to be too much of a challenge, I decided. Dealing with irate office staff or theatre luvvies is one thing (actually it's two aren't they???) but being surrounded by lagered up soccer supporters could be a little less pleasant. Besides, if I timed it right I reckoned I could get a trip to the Caribbean out of it. So, cricket fans it would be . . .

Footnote: The experiment went as well as could be expected, bearing in mind how well all the
previous ones had gone. I am writing this from a hospital bed in what the local police have advised me must remain an undisclosed location in the West Indies. I hope to be sufficiently recovered to be able to return home in a few weeks time. As for the results of my third and final experiment . . .

The missiles had to be fired very discreetly in order to avoid any repeat of previous problems. So I launched them from my seat in the cricket ground and watched to see what would happen. The batsman hit the first one and immediately on impact it disintegrated into mere dust. I suppose he must have thought he had hit a six because he started to run for the opposite wicket. However, this was when the other team's fast bowler was just coming out. He seized his chance with both hands and promptly bowled the errant batsman out. The crowd went wild. . .

And as it turns out, turds ain't half as hard as cricket bats!!!

* Please note: this is not an officially recognised SI unit.

About the Author

Chaos magician, baking enthusiast, self-styled 'darkside philosopher' writer and joint owner of http://www.darchangels.com

Return to Last Page

Homepage
Articles
DVD's
Member Login
Add Your Link
Edit Your Link
Contact Us
Image Hosting
Advertising
Disclaimer

Auctions - eBooks - Maps - Banner Links - Software - Weather - Music - Movies - TV

	Add Your Site · Terms Of Service · Privacy Policy

DISCLAIMER

	Follow The Bill is a free service that searches the Internet and indexes all files found so that you may search quickly and easily for shared files. These files are created and made available individually by users whose identity we are not aware of and who we have no control over. In essence we function like a search engine tool; these files ARE NOT STORED OR SERVED BY OUR NETWORK. We are not responsible for any materials obtained by using our service. We do not monitor any of the contents of these files. These files may contain viruses, illegal materials, materials inappropriate for minors, offensive files and the like. BY USING OUR SERVICE, YOU ASSUME FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR DOWNLOADING THESE MATERIALS AND WILL INDEMNIFY US FOR ANY DAMAGES THAT MAY BE INCURRED. For More Specific Information VIEW OUR TERMS OF SERVICE. Thank you and Enjoy!