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I Am a Grinch

Last Christmas, Uncle Albert promised his neighbor, Wilson, to find a way to keep the Christmas spirit alive all year.

By David Leonhardt Category: 0

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Last Christmas, Uncle Albert promised his neighbor, Wilson, to find a way to keep the Christmas spirit alive all year. You know, just like Wilson and everybody else wishes people each year.

Yesterday I was checking my calendar. "Holy smokes! It's almost Christmas. I better check to see if Uncle Albert found a way to keep the Christmas spirit alive all year."

So I put on my boots and buttoned up my jacket. I dashed out the door.

I came back into the house to put on a scarf. And some gloves. And a hat. And my long-johns. I filled up the thermos with hot chocolate and dug out a pair of ear muffs. "Yup. That's the Christmas spirit," I thought as I headed out once more, trying to keep my head above the snow.

When I reached Uncle Albert's, I could tell something was different. I wasn't sure quite what, but I suspect it had something to do with the large red and gold sleigh parked in his driveway.

"Say, Uncle Albert. What's with the sleigh?"

"You like it, Happy Guy? That's part of my Christmas spirit," he enthused.

"It is?"

"Of course. Riding in a one-horse open sleigh. Sleigh bells ring, are you listening? All that shtick." he smiled.

"You think that's how to keep the Christmas spirit alive all year?"

"That's just the beginning," he said as he lit up a candle. "I've cancelled my electricity."

"But why?"

"Have you ever heard of a Christmas carol with electricity?" Uncle Albert asked. "No. You hear about Christmas carols by candlelight, about silver bells, boughs of holly, all sorts of nostalgic stuff from the days when General Electric hired mice to turn the wheels of power."

I looked around for a Christmas tree. "So why no Christmas tree? Is that too modern for you?"

"Only the plastic kind," he said. "They keep dying on me. I was probably feeding them too much sheep manure. Anyway, I decorated the one out front."

"But you don't have a tree out front, Uncle Albert."

"Right there," he pointed. "Across the street. Hey Wilson! Stop blowing out my candles!"

"You lit candles on your neighbor's tree?"

"Ha! A lot of good that will do me," Uncle Albert sighed. "You would think the ingrate would appreciate a little Christmas spirit now and then. Hey Wilson! Get some Christmas spirit, you overgrown porcupine pimple!"

"Maybe some people don't want the Christmas spirit all year 'round?"

"Don't be silly, Happy Guy. Everybody wishes it to each other," he replied. "May the Christmas spirit last all year. But it never does. You know why?"
"I'm afraid I am about to find out."

"Because nobody wants to do all those things they sing so nostalgically about," he harrumphed.

"Maybe we just need some new Christmas carols. Instead of trying to make reality fit the songs, why not sing songs that fit reality?"

"Funny you should mention that," Uncle Albert exclaimed. "I wrote one just the other day. Want to hear it?"

"Uh...sure."

"Here comes another Yule, let's spend like a fool. Push 'n' shove at the store, to buy even more. Light up the lights, there'll be no star in sight. Turn up the furnace, this world we will burn it. Chop down a tree, chop another down with glee. Wilson is a grump, such a whiny chump. (Like the personal touch?) This year let's all cheer it, Whoo! I love this Christmas spirit. "

"That's very original," I observed. "I am sure there must be a market for just such a song...somewhere."

"That's what I thought," Uncle Albert beamed. "Heh, heh. This could even make me rich, rich rich! Ha! Take that, Wilson."

"That's the Christmas spirit, Uncle Albert."

About the Author

The author is David Leonhardt. Sign up for his weekly satire column up at http://TheHappyGuy.com/positive-thinking-free-ezine.html or read more columns at http://TheHappyGuy.com/self-actualization-articles.html . Or visit his home page at http://TheHappyGuy.com .

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